I don’t like having to talk to people I don’t know. Not sure exactly why, but I think it’s about the risk of being disappointed with the meeting. There’s nothing better than meeting friends and family and have a good chat, but this seeking out and trembling steps that are needed when meeting a stranger, is just not something I look forward to. Or so I keep telling myself.

In practice, I’ve noticed that I just need something that gets me going. Something that shows me that people are not as strange and disappointing as I make them out to be when I’m alone with my thoughts. Normally, that’s done by going to work, and being expected to engage with just about anyone to get the job done. While working at Google, I had 100,000 colleagues. Of course, most of my time was spent talking to the seven people on my team, and perhaps 30 others on adjacent teams. But those few times when I stuck my neck out, because I had to talk to someone I’d never talked to before, were scary. It was fine, though. The vast majority of people I met at Google are genuinely awesome and understanding. Even when I was having a bad day.

Some of the fear probably stems from the fact that strangers usually don’t spontaneously talk to me unless I’ve done something they feel is wrong. I need to be corrected, and they take upon themselves to move me in line with society again. Good on you. Friends and colleagues, on the other hand, tend to focus on the positive aspects. Interacting with them happens when they have some excitement they want to share. And so we have this bias in emotions attributed to different sets of people. It’s time to learn that there is a third category: strangers that I spontaneously start talking to, not because I’m angry, but because I’m curious. There’s really no reason to expect they will be disappointing to talk to. And if they turn out to be, well, how much did I really lose? It’s not like I’d seek out to befriend axe killers on Friday nights anyway.

Talking to people at work has never really been a problem for me, as long as I have a reason to go talk to them. Something I can excuse my intrusion with. A business case. That makes networking difficult, and that has in all likelihood stripped me of many opportunities, but it hasn’t really stopped progress in what I was doing. As I move onto starting my own SaaS company, I need to get over this, or it will affect not just me, but my future employees. Interacting with strangers is what you do as a leader, and I want to become a great leader.

I’ve noticed the same thing at parties. I really don’t want to go there, but when I’m there and gotten started, I’m thrilled being around people. Alcohol helps, but fact is I’m high just on some social hormone I don’t know the name of. No need for alcohol. It’s just the part of getting started, of getting over my own imagination of what a stranger will be like, that’s in my way. Does that mean I’m actually an extrovert? I need to be alone sometimes too, but above all, being alone is fine. It’s not awesome, most of the time, just okay. What I really don’t like is loud noise, like in night clubs. That doesn’t work for me, but there are many more ways to enjoy the company of (semi-)strangers that would fit my bill better.

Two weeks ago, I had dragged my feet to call the GP for a travel vaccination. Africa, here we come! The date is closing in, and I really need to get it done for it to protect me. Because talking to someone on the phone is the worst way of talking to strangers, this isn’t great. With my Swiss health insurance, I need to first call the insurance company and state my intents, and then call the GP to book my appointment. Usually, none of this cause for alarm, but it still hurts. Being Swedish, and only speaking passable High German, this adds to the fun.

Last Monday, I bit the bullet. I called the insurance company. A happy lad answered in English. I stated my case, and he said “go ahead, have a nice day.” That opened me up. My belief in humanity had regained some strength, and without hesitation, I called the GP’s office. After a bit of a hold, I could book an appointment for the same day! No issues with the German, and the receptionist even laughed at a small mistake she was about to make, but caught it herself. Wow, perhaps not all is lost this week either.

I’m still confused where this leaves me. I love acting, making people laugh and getting the energy going. At the same time, strangers scare me. Or rather, the worst-case interaction with strangers is scary. The thing is, the worst-case isn’t that common. It’s not rational to avoid all interactions, because the worst thing that can happen isn’t actually that bad, and not that common. For many years, I’ve thought that I needed to be alone to recharge my batteries, but perhaps it’s the other way around? Perhaps I’m okay with being alone, but interacting with people I feel safe with is what really gets me going. As long as i avoid the loudness of nightclubs… The pretend-introvert. The extra-introvert. A confused human being.

The most motivating aspect is that if I can start engaging more with strangers, there will be fewer and fewer people who are strangers. Less fear is always better.